It all began with the 3rd supermoon for 2013... and Jesus, can I just say that I'm ready for a little less cosmic drama. I feel like I've been on the most physical, emotional, and psychological roller coaster for the last week. Granted, I love a big full moon as much as the next stargazer, but I can live without all the crazy that comes with it. I'll just try to keep it honest and get my side of the street clean on a number of big events.
To begin with, I had a big communications misunderstanding with a friend. Sadly, I guess, I got the whole thing off on the wrong foot by texting the ice breaking issue. I know, my bad. Honestly, I have a really difficult time bringing up potentially controversial topics with friends and loved ones and yes, I chickened out to get the ball rolling. Text and email SUCK to this end. All kinds of misinterpretations occur. Anger rises. Tempers flare. Defenses go up, and tears are shed. Yuck. I apologized for my part in the drama, but it still makes for a big couple of days explaining my part and my fears to another trusted friend. Not to mention, you can't take words back. Sometimes they linger and the relationship changes from its previous state. You can only hope that, with time, you will come to a new and better place with each other.
Next up, the baby was walking on the back patio again and flopped down, as she tends to do a lot these days. All pretty familiar territory, except this time, she cut the inside of her lip with her new teeth and had a river of blood stream out of her mouth. I seriously did not even think or flip out. I ran into EMT mode and immediately took her in to get the blood out with a paper towel. The bleeding stopped shortly thereafter and due to a delayed icing of the lip, my daughter now resembles Angelina Jolie... but only on her right side. It's hard to watch a baby bleed like that. It got my head going in all different future projections like arriving to see your teenage daughter bloodied by a car accident. Also, there was this weird reaction to seeing her blood. I don't know that I've ever seen that much. It reminded me that she has blood in her, and a lot of it. It humanized her further for me. Sometimes, as a new mother, I forget that she's actually a person. She is such a full time job that I get lost in the details of her routine or just try to keep up with her running around.
Then, we had gig night. I prepped for a month for a Friday night show, one I only took at the behest of folks who told me in the past that it was hard to get to a show on a school night. So, I did my routine of social media and newsletter promotion, did the "drum up interest" scene, tried to rally up a band (sadly no success there in LA's summer "touring season"), and then the strangest thing happened, maybe for the first time in my career. No one came. I should interject that my husband came, but I can think of a much better date night than sitting at a bar watching me play tunes.
So, that is a whole different kind of emotional land mine... You can't help but go to, why am I doing this? why take on the expense of playing live (gas, food, drink, babysitter)? does anyone even care? And then there's the embarrassment of falling short as a professional both to yourself or to a club/booker. Finally, there's the feeling of shit, I'm better than this crap. I got the babysitter, sent the email to the booker saying I could be late because the babysitter came 30 minutes later, engaged the audience, played a good set, tipped the bartender, watched the opener and then stayed for a bit of the act after me. This was a 22-year-old, Stevie Nicks-looking, The Voice contestant-sounding, young and slightly stage-awkward young woman who filled the room. If music is a young man's game and if the world is interested in that Aguilera style voicing, then frankly, I'm not in the right field. I don't sound like that. It's not my vocal ability nor is it one I hope to achieve.
So, I decided to put it behind me and focus on the weekend time with my family. We celebrated another first birthday of one of R's playgroup mates, while also checking out the new house of his parents, who are my friends. Then on a foggy Sunday morning, we got our asses out the door and took the baby for a walk along the L.A. River, which was a nice discovery. Speaking of discoveries and the universe taking care of you, as we walked along the bike path, I noticed a yard sale near one of the entry points. I wanted to stop and check it out. As fortune would have it, it was for the departure of a dear old friend of mine, who I had just mentioned to my husband. I thought she was moving north of Griffith Park, but as it would happen, she was moving to Seattle... this week... and she hadn't seen Riley since she was a few months old. It was a nice unexpected visit and one I'm so glad to have had, even if to say goodbye for a while.
I'm now sitting in my back yard on a lovely cool afternoon with a gentle breeze. I can watch the birch tree and bougainvillea sway in the wind. I eye the ripe cherry tomatoes I can use in a salad later. I hear birds chirp and these Biblical-sized flying beetles swoop down to the patio. It's a really good day, and I feel clear. I don't know what all these events are telling me yet, maybe nothing at all, but I really feel like my life is in transition. It's so hard to not try and control it. At this moment, I'm hoping I can be happy with that and not be such a malcontent, as I have been of late.
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