OK to be not OK at it

With the beginning of a new week comes the Monday Sanborn Sprouts meet up. This is the bi-weekly playgroup my daughter is part of in town. I actually love these times too because it's a guarantee that I will interact with one adult that day, specifically another mother.

For those not on the parenthood roller coaster, I'll explain my situation. When I happen to go out of the house with my daughter, there's no real rule that says I'll be able to converse with another person, let alone one who understands or relates to some of my daily stresses... For example, I made my baby cry after raising my voice to her...never mind that the message was "Riley, NO!" as she was about to crawl into the cat's litter box...

Yeah, that's the stuff we go over in these times. We share war stories. Occasionally one of us will have a new project we're working on and talk about it. I'm often asked about my music work. Sadly, I usually answer, "Well, I'm not doing much of it these days..." It pains me to say that. It took me forever to get to the point where I was actually doing music fairly regularly that to be without it, I fear for my identity.

A little backstory, I was not always a working musician. In fact, for a long time, I didn't even play it in public. It seemed like a fairy tale. My folks were always telling me to find a real job. I spent my entire college career trying on internships to find the one that "fit". I'd worked in TV, film, magazines, public relations, and sales for most of my time before committing to music and fashion work. And let's face it, I knew with my height that I should really try to exploit the latter direction before I hit 40.

So, at said play group, I mentioned that I ordered a book called Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay by Stefanie Wilder Taylor, to read a book that made me feel better about feeling badly about motherhood. One mother laughed and said "You're so honest." God, I hope so. I didn't spend as much time in meetings as I have to sit around and lie about how I feel about one of the biggest changes in my life. So yeah, I'm not a fan of motherhood. I don't want to be misunderstood, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, but I'm not great at the job. And I'm not one of those women who dreamt of having kids or who felt everything light up when they put the baby on my chest. In fact, I think my exact thoughts were, "Oh shit!" So yeah, I need some levity.

I think it's a fairly common reaction too. Not all women are cut out to be mothers in my opinion. Some know in advance. Some find out after the fact. Some may actually be good mothers and think they're crap at it. I'm not sure where I am in this spectrum. I try. In fact, I try daily, hourly, by the minute. There are good days and bad days.

Today seems to be on the positive side. It's been filled with good naps, good meals, fun at the wading pool and on the slide, and maybe a visit to a new mother friend of mine in the neighborhood. It will be interesting to see how she's handling it. A little year along perspective. Maybe I'll be reminded of something by witnessing her. The universe sends us messages in the most unique ways. So, we'll see about it. Sometimes just admitting the negative feelings around motherhood wrack me with such guilt. I mean, R didn't ask for a mom who's not keen on the job. She's just a really loving little girl who loves her father and I implicitly... at least for now. Dreading the teen years already. Or maybe she'll be a sweet girl who isn't terribly difficult. Maybe she'll have a hard time with people in her life, like bullies. I just assume she'll be a fighter. She may be more sink than swim. And that would be even more heartbreaking in this job.

So, I'm trying to strike a balance between who I am and who this role requires me to be. They may not be mutually exclusive. I hope not. It will be best for all involved if that is the outcome. Plus, that little girl deserves better than some woman resentfully half-assing it. Wish me luck!