The Meaning in Weaning

She'll be 14 months this week. I remember initially hoping to nurse for a half year. And in the first month, I wanted OUT of that deal.

Any mom or lactation consultant will tell you, breastfeeding is HARD! They never tell you it's going to be, and so many women struggle with the process. It's no wonder there are so many formula-fed babies. With all the pain, latching difficulties, over or under supply issues and more, it's no wonder women give up. I almost did on a number of occasions.

But now it's almost 14 months, and she still nurses. I should also point out that R also eats truckloads of turkey, eggs, cheese, bread, grapes, peaches, yogurt, oatmeal, green beans, broccoli, peppers, meatloaf, pasta... pretty much anything she's offered. She now also washes them down with cold, out of the fridge cow's milk. No allergies. No digestion issues. No fighting. She loves it all!

So why then is she not weaned?

Bottom line. I'm lazy. It's kind of easy to just whip it out and let the girl drink. Side note: In California state, mothers are protected by law to breastfeed in public. In a city like Los Angeles, which is very pro-breastfeeding, it seems like there is support all around you. La Leche League meetings abound. You can cruise over to The Pump Station and take free seminars on topics like breastfeeding multiples, new mothers BF support group and a sling workshop that likely demonstrates how to position the baby in said sling to breastfeed discreetly in public.

Of course, as a friend once told me, "You need to reclaim your breasts for you. Until you do, you won't totally be free." Not sure what I'll suddenly be free to do once I don't have a baby attached to one of them at a given moment, but I get the message. So, just to review my uphill climb with the process.

It begins the moment R is born and the doctor places her on my chest. Where I delivered, they have a strong "skin to skin" policy, which is not some subgenre of porno shot in Encino, but rather a philosophy that the newborn is placed directly on the mother's bare chest and remains there for the first hours of life instead of being whisked away to the hospital nursery. It's a bonding experience. In those new moments, they encourage getting the baby to latch and used to the idea of breastfeeding, which you, as the mother, are unlikely to do immediately due to the fact that your milk hasn't come in yet. 

What? Another thing I learned in childbirth classes and books, you have to wait to get your milk. So, you're going through the motions. The baby is maybe getting a bit of colostrum until your become engorged with milk, pained by the fact that your boobs swell up to the size of a booth babe at the Adult Entertainment Expo.

I always thought of breastfeeding as some kind of softly lit, soft-focus edged experience between a doting mother and a docile baby. I didn't quite have that scenario. I honestly can't remember much of the early days (likely because I wasn't sleeping) and then once she learned to move, she's been wiggling, kicking, rolling and doing anything but lying still. So let's see, there's also the difficulty in getting the baby to latch, plugged ducts, leaking boobs, hot and cold compresses, the smell of stale milk on your clothes, products like Lanisoh and Booby Tubes. Not exactly that Lifetime movie special...

For us, we had issues early on with R in that her belly would swell hard as a rock and she had gas that kept her screaming into the night. She also had gastro issues involving blood in diapers that led us to a specialist at Cedars. He suggested that we put her on a hypoallergenic formula to see if the breast milk was causing the issues for her. I didn't want to put her on formula, but I did it for a day and noticed a complete turnaround. The doctor said that was good because it meant that there wasn't a more serious problem with the baby's digestive system. I could switch to formula or go back to breastfeeding and see blood.

I called my husband sobbing on the phone with my 8-week-old saying I didn't want to have her on formula and deny her what I thought would be best for her immune system. He agreed and we went back to BF about 90% of the time, supplementing with the occasional bottle of formula to give her system a break. 

Later, I learned at a La Leche League meeting that gastrointestinal issues like bleeding is pretty common with breastfed babies. Of course, no one in my family had EVER heard of it and so there was a lot of blood updates with family phone calls for the first 6 months of her life.

Next up, breast feeding while teething. I will not go into that. Let's just say, it fucking hurts!

So, I'm staring down 14 months and my rationale is I'm lazy, not good with structure, etc. It's easy to nurse now that R and I have the routine down.  She likes it. But now there's also a little voice in my head saying "Why do you want to force this? Once it's gone, you can't go back!"

Whoa! I never pegged myself as the woman to hear that voice in my head, quietly or loudly. It's like somewhere along the line, I bonded with my baby girl and this was part of the process. I still relentlessly multitask while nursing, like pick dried oatmeal out of the hair behind her ears or scroll through a text on my phone, but the idea that it might suddenly be gone--and that I might actually miss it--was a new revelation that nearly shocked me. 

What do I do with this information? I doubt I'm going to be the type of mom like Game of Throne's Lysa Arryn, wife of the late Lord Jon Arryn, suckling the child until a tween. But I don't know if I'm ready to let go of that connection. I'm the only one who can offer her this and when it's gone, I will be demoted a bit as well. I will be like everyone else. That saddens me. 

I suppose the meaning for me lies in not weaning, right now, at least. I recognize that weaning is the end of a chapter for R and I. I guess, as much as my husband and I joke that the girl's not giving up the boobs anytime soon, that these boobs, or rather, her mother isn't letting go of her either.