A friend of mine asked me to consider this topic for my blog a few months ago. I think life clogged up the lines, and I didn't get to it. I also wasn't sure how I could answer this question when I myself don't even have a clue how to do it.
I know that even having the time and wherewithal to consider this question is a "high quality problem" as there are many women struggling to support a family on their own, let alone the number of women living in poverty conditions globally. I realize that I am lucky beyond my wildest dreams to be in the life I am in. I am further blessed to have a calling that is a passion, and not simply a job I got good at that pays. I have also been a freelancer for my entire adult career and therefore have crafted a life which enjoys a good deal of freedom. So, all that said, you can hate me now and stop reading, should that be your proclivity.
Otherwise, here we are... I'm a mom. I'm a singer-songwriter. I occasionally still work as a fit model. That's about the order of things these days. I should mention that the split of my time percentage wise is skewed disproportionately toward the former over the latter two. But I'm trying...
Often I ask myself, why am I making things difficult for myself. It sure would be easier to stop hustling to get my music out there, or play gigs, or write and record music with people. It would be less insulting to my self image to not fret over my waist by the inch or keep close watch that my jean size doesn't change. But these are habits and sometimes even great pleasure points for me. I've done them for God knows how long and I define a lot of myself by them.
So, what's up with this next chapter? That's the one thing they don't really tell you when you have a kid, or maybe they do and I wasn't really listening, but things change. Not necessarily in ways that completely alter your being, but they do. You now have a new person in your life that you can't blow off when you're not feeling like hanging out. You have a buddy, a rival and a new love of your life all wrapped up in one. And if you've ever been in love, you know how much time and brain and heart space that takes up. So, you have to do some creative time management.
I envy those women who had a job they had to go back to after giving birth. While I know it must be very hard to walk away from your baby so soon, you had to. And your child and you learn to not be so co-dependent. You also get to return to your job, which I'm assuming you like on some level or you might have left it when you had the baby. For those of us in the freelance end of things, it's not so easy. You have to find child care and then you have to find a place to work. Then you get the benefit at times of chasing the checks or paying out of pocket to keep up promotion of your services. It can be ok once you secure great child care and get out of the house, but there's the screaming and tears of the bonded baby upon leaving. There's the extra pressure to not only prove that you "still have it" or are just as reliable as those kidless competitors, but there's the guilt of doing what you love, instead of necessarily "loving" every minute of being a mother. And for what it's worth, you're never by yourself again in that way that you think about your child at some point. Those thoughts never crossed my mind before I had a kid.
The next chapter? Is there such a thing? Or are we fretting over something that we can't control and the unpredictability is what's driving us crazy? I don't know if it's self-imposed or societally driven, or something else entirely, but here is where I sit with it today. The next chapter feels like a race I'm running every minute of my life. I have a drink at night to toast that I survived yet another day as a mother and hopefully did one thing that retained some resemblance of the me before baby. I try not to beat myself up if the house is kind of trashed or the kitchen floor needs to be swept and I just don't want to do it. And man, if I get all that done and I sneak in a chance to read a book, my lord, it's a banner day! I'm curious to hear more from other moms out there on it.
On another note, I had a child-free afternoon today and comedically found myself eating lunch at a park with a big playground watching kids. I saw a woman with young triplets and I thought, "My god, how do you do 3?!?" I also saw a beautiful butterfly land a few times on the sidewalk and it made me smile as I thought how I would point it out to Riley if she were there with me. Like I said, you're never truly alone again...
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