Finding me... one conversation at a time.

I've recently taken to taking meetings. I know, very LA of me. Yes, it's true. I'm meeting people over the phone and over a lunch table to talk business. Interestingly enough, the business tends to center on something I am acutely familiar with... myself.

I know this sounds odd and trust me, I couldn't agree with you more. BUT... as I attempt to re-ermerge as both an artist and a woman (now with a child), I've found I may need more help than I originally thought. As a result, I'm taking meetings to find open ears on who I now am and to help clarify where it is I want to go.

I am in a place of deep soul searching, as well as creative output, having just released a new single (The Only Moment in the World) on my label, lining up another tune for release this summer and creating a collection of new songs that may or may not be an electronic album in the works. I've been cranking out all kinds of music and most of it has no words. That too is interesting to me because it's symbolic of me not knowing who I am or how to express it.

I've been performing, mostly because I like it and it's like old hat to me. I can dial it in if necessary, but honestly, because I don't do it as often as I used to, it's a rare treat. You can't really count impromptu dance parties or song performances to a 21-month old as "shows" even when the audience in your head is Wembley but the audience in front of you is throwing yogurt on the ground and rubbing oatmeal in her hair.

So, as I say, I'm taking meetings. Or would it be better to simply say, I'm meeting the next connection that will lead to yet another connection. Sounds hippie dippy, but I believe that this grand spider web approach to life works. I've had a lot of really odd things fall into place lately through new connections. I've also been open to trying new things, some outside my comfort zone (like this month's performances as part of Death of a Boob Man with Bess Fanning). I used to rely more upon the web of connections approach while living in New York, but the distance in Los Angeles added to the time commitment of motherhood, kind of zaps my spiritual "me" space. I schedule to the hilt to be sure my daughter is not bored at home, or better yet, is engaged in the world around her. I have the time before everyone is up, my daughter's nap time and the time before I goto bed to "go there." I also nap a good bit of that time of late.

It is a goal of mine for 2014 to be working more. I don't want to settle for yet another retail sales job, which I could do, and probably well, if you're into soul zapping activities. I'd love to be working as a true songwriter--making music that I can add to film or TV, creating collaborative works with other artists or even crafting songs for other artists.

But I was asked today in one such meeting, "Everyone's barking up that tree. What makes you different?"

Shit, 50 million dollar question, right?!? I wish I had an immediate answer to this, and yet, I do not. This is where the true work begins. My life changed so much, and so quickly, when I moved to LA that sometimes I feel like I'm in a bubble where I'm an alien on a different planet. Things seem familiar to me and I do many of the same things I did in New York City, but it's all just a bit off. It's been one of my biggest challenges out here. That and finding reliably great food in a restaurant with cozy ambiance...

And another thing, all this focus on self seems a bit... selfish. I know I have to let some of that emotion go because I'm the only one who can answer these questions. I also have to recognize that I will be a better mother and partner to my husband if I can find happiness within myself and in my work.

I want to summarize this post, to give it a spin and end with some sense of conclusion, but I can't find those words. I'm not unhappy. I'm in the grey space. It's also evening and I'm going to get some decent rest tonight, so I'm signing off for now. Just an update on where I am.

On a side note, for those tuning in for the Riley part of this blog, I am happy to report that she is speaking 2 word sentences regularly now. She is also counting to beyond ten given the day. She rides a little scooter with a helmet. She's still obsessed with cars. She's forged a new obsession with the jumper at Peekaboo Playground in Eagle Rock. She's lovely and funny and smart and very attached to Mama again. I'm trying to engage her in new activities like our 3 meals a week I cook from the Blue Apron food delivery/recipe service we just joined. She's really into trying to eat garlic. I think all this is very good and promises to make her an even more unique woman someday.

I'm emerging... I think.

If you've been wondering where I've been for a while, I might be kind and say I'm just down in a new project. That would be true, partly. I've been tweaking away in my studio working on a bunch of new electronic music. None is done, and there is not set deadline. A lot of collaboration is afoot, and midi plays a huge part of it all.

But...

I would also be more honest in saying I've been sick with some kind of sinus, dry cough, congestion and all kinds of ick since Christmas, and I'm really trying to kick its ass in early February. I even got a new doctor and WENT! Now I'm on a Z pac and a steroid nasal inhaler for allergies and hoping for the best.

That aside, yes, I'm thrilled about some upcoming news.

First up, I'm releasing a new song on Feb. 25th called The Only Moment in the World. I co-produced and mixed the song with Jimmy La Valle of The Album Leaf. The song was written as part of a digital pop-up book project, A Picture is Worth..., published by Proseed Books. In it, I was paired with photographer Veronique Roblin's photo series and had to create a work based on the imagery I received. The pictures were stunning. There were many haunting photos of an industrial French river towns at the break of day. I wrote a tune that tells a story in that town. It follows a couple as they wind their way along the water and through a history of their affair.

I'll be sure to let everyone know when it's for sale and what the links are. Also, there will be some press attached to the release (radio, write ups). I'll post those too. Hopefully, I'll get them all up on my web site and Facebook pages.

I also felt like the whole song and imagery conjured up the spirit of Monica Vitti in such Antonioni classic films as L'Avventura and La Notte. I tried to capture a bit of that in the artwork. I really enjoyed the experience of playing a character in the song and in the artwork, a kind of Cindy Sherman experiment.

And that brings me to the next theatrical project...

I'll be joining forces with fellow Silverlake MOMS Club mama Bess Fanning in her month-long run of "Death of a Boob Man." It's a one woman comedy in which I will kick off the show performing 3 of Bess's songs. Those are also characters I'll be performing, the different stages of women around our age... I'll leave it at that as not to give away any details. I'm psyched to be part of a theatre show. I haven't done anything like that in ages. Bess is a good friend and our kids are 3 days apart and share a name. How random is that?!? Kismet, I say.

And what would a blog entry be without a Riley update? Well, the little lady is climbing like a monkey. Her favorite locations are the couch, the step ladder, the bench by the door and the chairs in the dining room. She loves to bounce on the couch. She's ripping up a mad vocabulary, even stringing little phrases together. She loves sound effects and is a superb listener. One way both of those are exhibited are when I beat box. She watches, listens and then tries to repeat back the sounds. It both amuses and challenges her. She still sleeps like crazy during the naps and overnights and eats nearly everything we give her. Thank God! But the rumblings of her upcoming 2nd birthday are rearing their heads. She's been known to throw a few tantrums (expected) and seems to be very sensitive about stuff that didn't necessarily bother her before. Guess it's all normal. Some days I'm better at dealing with it than others. I have a bit more help and I may be picking up a freelance writing gig in addition to the music stuff, so that will be handy. Oh yeah, and it's preschool interview time. I've seen about 8 schools and we're applying to a few. Wish us luck! And we're potty training...

That's the latest. Here's to more good news soon! 

Life of Riley and other Wild Joys: We've turned the corner for 2014!

Life of Riley and other Wild Joys: We've turned the corner for 2014!: ...she's discovered independent play! And not only that, she's taken to playing games for more than 2 seconds. She re-discovered her...

We've turned the corner for 2014!

...she's discovered independent play! And not only that, she's taken to playing games for more than 2 seconds. She re-discovered her Mega-Bloks and now will go off and build "HUGE" towers and cars for 15-20 minutes at a clip. This is a major graduation from the 1-second attention span and constant clinging that seemed to pepper the holidays. I'm not saying that I don't miss her, because she's now giving attention and love in sweeter ways. For instance, today, we took a walk around the neighborhood, really, we only did our block... but she stopped at our neighbor Salida's house and sat on the curb (she's always looking to sit on her "tushy"). We sat there for easily 20 minutes singing songs, playing "lean back" and my personal new favorite, having a "cuddle." R will be in the middle of something when she just lies down on my lap, head on my knees and says a sweet little "cuddle." I'm so glad she found this word and uses it with aplomb.

But something else happened... she became a little kid. My nearly 19 month old is now a toddler with running, jumping and dancing skills. She climbs everything. She talks and talks, learning new phrases each hour. She doesn't need me like she did before, but she needs me in new exciting ways that involve communication and curiosity-based learning. And I'm thrilled because I am so much better with kids this age. Babies... not so much. I'm very happy about our new year and all the potential adventures we'll be on.

As for me, I went out on New Years Eve and bought a notebook and pen. I've been writing lyrics, impressions, visuals and phrases that I hope will aid my songwriting efforts this year. I'm also reconnecting with old collaborators and meeting new writers with whom I plan to work. I'm excited about releasing a new single, The Only Moment in the World, in early February to coincide with the publishing of A Picture is Worth..., a photo and musical lyric book that inspired the single. I also have another single I'll be releasing later this spring that I cowrote with Art Hays. It's a Burning Man inspired tale.

And I am promising to be gentle with myself. I'll be practicing yoga more frequently, living a bit more healthy with food and exercise and reading more than just Internet distractions or news. Little resolutions for a big change. I can feel the energy building all around me. I took the rebirth of a new year thing one step closer when I went for a sound bath last night at Namaste yoga studio in Highland Park.

I've been to sound baths before at the Integratron in Landers, CA near Joshua Tree. It's hard to beat that experience--in the middle of the desert in an acoustically perfect structure built with plans by Nicolai Tesla... I did get a good evening out of this one though, despite the occasional arguing passersby outside and horns at the light on York. I left feeling lighter. I left with more hope. So from today onward, I'm trying to just be and do what I need to do. Create art. Breathe in air without anxiety. Find solutions without fear. Love without hesitation. Noble goals, but reachable with time.

How does a woman redefine her next chapter after having a child?

A friend of mine asked me to consider this topic for my blog a few months ago. I think life clogged up the lines, and I didn't get to it. I also wasn't sure how I could answer this question when I myself don't even have a clue how to do it.

I know that even having the time and wherewithal to consider this question is a "high quality problem" as there are many women struggling to support a family on their own, let alone the number of women living in poverty conditions globally. I realize that I am lucky beyond my wildest dreams to be in the life I am in. I am further blessed to have a calling that is a passion, and not simply a job I got good at that pays. I have also been a freelancer for my entire adult career and therefore have crafted a life which enjoys a good deal of freedom. So, all that said, you can hate me now and stop reading, should that be your proclivity.

Otherwise, here we are... I'm a mom. I'm a singer-songwriter. I occasionally still work as a fit model. That's about the order of things these days. I should mention that the split of my time percentage wise is skewed disproportionately toward the former over the latter two. But I'm trying...

Often I ask myself, why am I making things difficult for myself. It sure would be easier to stop hustling to get my music out there, or play gigs, or write and record music with people. It would be less insulting to my self image to not fret over my waist by the inch or keep close watch that my jean size doesn't change. But these are habits and sometimes even great pleasure points for me. I've done them for God knows how long and I define a lot of myself by them.

So, what's up with this next chapter? That's the one thing they don't really tell you when you have a kid, or maybe they do and I wasn't really listening, but things change. Not necessarily in ways that completely alter your being, but they do. You now have a new person in your life that you can't blow off when you're not feeling like hanging out. You have a buddy, a rival and a new love of your life all wrapped up in one. And if you've ever been in love, you know how much time and brain and heart space that takes up. So, you have to do some creative time management.

I envy those women who had a job they had to go back to after giving birth. While I know it must be very hard to walk away from your baby so soon, you had to. And your child and you learn to not be so co-dependent. You also get to return to your job, which I'm assuming you like on some level or you might have left it when you had the baby. For those of us in the freelance end of things, it's not so easy. You have to find child care and then you have to find a place to work. Then you get the benefit at times of chasing the checks or paying out of pocket to keep up promotion of your services. It can be ok once you secure great child care and get out of the house, but there's the screaming and tears of the bonded baby upon leaving. There's the extra pressure to not only prove that you "still have it" or are just as reliable as those kidless competitors, but there's the guilt of doing what you love, instead of necessarily "loving" every minute of being a mother. And for what it's worth, you're never by yourself again in that way that you think about your child at some point. Those thoughts never crossed my mind before I had a kid.

The next chapter? Is there such a thing? Or are we fretting over something that we can't control and the unpredictability is what's driving us crazy? I don't know if it's self-imposed or societally driven, or something else entirely, but here is where I sit with it today. The next chapter feels like a race I'm running every minute of my life. I have a drink at night to toast that I survived yet another day as a mother and hopefully did one thing that retained some resemblance of the me before baby. I try not to beat myself up if the house is kind of trashed or the kitchen floor needs to be swept and I just don't want to do it. And man, if I get all that done and I sneak in a chance to read a book, my lord, it's a banner day! I'm curious to hear more from other moms out there on it.

On another note, I had a child-free afternoon today and comedically found myself eating lunch at a park with a big playground watching kids. I saw a woman with young triplets and I thought, "My god, how do you do 3?!?" I also saw a beautiful butterfly land a few times on the sidewalk and it made me smile as I thought how I would point it out to Riley if she were there with me. Like I said, you're never truly alone again...

Waning posts and bluegrass hosts

If you've been wondering why this blog hasn't been as active, I can explain it with the title above and my experience over the years. While I think I'm known more as a songwriter, I've actually been a "writer" (not of song) for as long as I've been able to write. An avid journal keeper, I've also dabbled in poetry, fiction, journalism and yes, songwriting. BUT - and here is the problem - I rarely do more than one type actively at a time.

For example, when I'm busy with the blog, I'm usually not writing music. I went through a similar period right out of college when I was writing a novella and didn't write more than one song in a year. I was so busy trying to map out the narrative strings and flesh out my characters, I couldn't bother with playing my guitar, let alone write a tune.

I find myself in another creative flush with music, so the blog posts have become less frequent and less thoughtful, in my humble opinion. I'm thrilled to be writing even if it's in the quiet of my home studio until I let the music out for folks to hear.

What else can I say? I saw an unexpectedly great show last night at UCLA's Royce Hall--Ricky Skaggs with Bruce Hornsby and Kentucky Thunder. I say unexpectedly because quite frankly, I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm a bluegrass admirer from afar, like the kind who enjoys bluegrass brunches with pancakes at Burning Man, but I don't know the history, the artists, the recent albums, etc.

And all I knew of Bruce Hornsby was "That's Just the Way It Is" (which they did a rip roaring bluegrass version of last night) and that he toured with the Dead (which I learned from my handsome husband who used to go to Dead shows while in college at Boulder). But I have to say, Hornsby is a great pianist, and I greatly appreciate his sense of "out". He did a lot of 12 tone wandering on the keys, which helped to make the evening a bit more complex musically. I appreciated that immensely because I get bored when the songs sound the same after about 30 minutes. He was also a nice sarcastic foil to Skagg's mostly sincere delivery.

So we had a great night of music with friends, and then paid a babysitter more than the cost of the tickets. And they wonder why date nights are so infrequent in new parents... Find me a competent and available sitter who doesn't charge at least $16 bucks an hour and you'll see Brad and I out a bit more often. But until we're there, we'll be hanging at a pumpkin patch with other parents of R's play group mates and retiring to our couch with a few nice drinks before crashing.

Welcome to the 2nd year...

Things go by quickly these days...by leaps and bounds

Riley is growing up, by leaps and bounds, daily. She is so not a baby anymore. She is squarely a little toddler. She talks an assortment of words, mostly animal sounds, and at this point, can open her bedroom door knob by herself. The latter has made bedtime routine fairly difficult, esp. when after bath,  the naked baby can break loose of her bedroom and run free around the house until this mamma chases her down to get her PJs on and off to bed.

She's also begun enjoying the Tickle Game. I'm a big fan of tickling, but I know some folks (like my husband) are not, so I try to do so with reserve. Riley never seemed ticklish before, but now she plays a couple games with us. The first is when my husband teases her "I'm gonna git ya..." and makes the tickle hand gestures. R has such a great reaction. Her eyes widen. She turns on a dime and runs away full throttle, usually toward me, the "base" in this tag game. She will climb onto my shoulders if I let her just to get away from the tickler.

The next evolution of fun tickling is in the fact that she also knows and does the sign language for "More." So, we'll start down the tickling avenue for fun and then I will stop. R immediately signs for "more." So we do it again. Stop. "More." It's a really cute interaction.

Another cute thing she does is say the words "Okie dokey", which sound more like "cookie cookie." I'm not even sure what possessed me to ask her to repeat the phrase back to me at one point, but it is now the reigning favorite phrase next to "go-ga" accompanied with a downward facing dog pose or her tongue flick/fishy face for "what does a fish say?"

Her hair is so long too. We used to be able to pin back the bangs with barrette, but now she knows that word too and pulls out all barrettes as I put them in. She holds them and says "barrette." She doesn't even seem to notice she's pulling out her hair. Good thing she has a ton of it.

Each day brings new things she does and another one of those is saying "No." It actually sounds a bit more like a nasaly "nawh." It hasn't become a terrible thing yet, but she is definitely rejecting food or activity suggestions lately.  We make due. She's a lovely little girl, who kisses all her stuffed animals and squeals with delight when I get back from a few errands. She makes me feel loved by signing "I love you" or blowing me kisses.

Something turned when she became this toddler who interacts with me more. Sometimes I find myself just watching her talk to herself or figure out how to turn the lid on a water bottle by herself. It thrills me that she's doing this all for the first time. I watched her for 15 minutes moving candles onto the coffeetable and back down to the floor over and over again, like some elaborate game or code she was trying to crack. Maybe all that newness has helped to inspire me to write more, not only this blog, but also music. I've embarked on a couple new collaborations that I hope will lead to a new album. More on this when it has materialized into a fuller concept. I'm happy to have our respective discoveries feed off of each other. I know that's assuming a lot about her, like that I might be feeding her discovery process, but it would be nice to think of our journeys as symbiotic in a way. Who knows... until more stuff is revealed...