How does a woman redefine her next chapter after having a child?

A friend of mine asked me to consider this topic for my blog a few months ago. I think life clogged up the lines, and I didn't get to it. I also wasn't sure how I could answer this question when I myself don't even have a clue how to do it.

I know that even having the time and wherewithal to consider this question is a "high quality problem" as there are many women struggling to support a family on their own, let alone the number of women living in poverty conditions globally. I realize that I am lucky beyond my wildest dreams to be in the life I am in. I am further blessed to have a calling that is a passion, and not simply a job I got good at that pays. I have also been a freelancer for my entire adult career and therefore have crafted a life which enjoys a good deal of freedom. So, all that said, you can hate me now and stop reading, should that be your proclivity.

Otherwise, here we are... I'm a mom. I'm a singer-songwriter. I occasionally still work as a fit model. That's about the order of things these days. I should mention that the split of my time percentage wise is skewed disproportionately toward the former over the latter two. But I'm trying...

Often I ask myself, why am I making things difficult for myself. It sure would be easier to stop hustling to get my music out there, or play gigs, or write and record music with people. It would be less insulting to my self image to not fret over my waist by the inch or keep close watch that my jean size doesn't change. But these are habits and sometimes even great pleasure points for me. I've done them for God knows how long and I define a lot of myself by them.

So, what's up with this next chapter? That's the one thing they don't really tell you when you have a kid, or maybe they do and I wasn't really listening, but things change. Not necessarily in ways that completely alter your being, but they do. You now have a new person in your life that you can't blow off when you're not feeling like hanging out. You have a buddy, a rival and a new love of your life all wrapped up in one. And if you've ever been in love, you know how much time and brain and heart space that takes up. So, you have to do some creative time management.

I envy those women who had a job they had to go back to after giving birth. While I know it must be very hard to walk away from your baby so soon, you had to. And your child and you learn to not be so co-dependent. You also get to return to your job, which I'm assuming you like on some level or you might have left it when you had the baby. For those of us in the freelance end of things, it's not so easy. You have to find child care and then you have to find a place to work. Then you get the benefit at times of chasing the checks or paying out of pocket to keep up promotion of your services. It can be ok once you secure great child care and get out of the house, but there's the screaming and tears of the bonded baby upon leaving. There's the extra pressure to not only prove that you "still have it" or are just as reliable as those kidless competitors, but there's the guilt of doing what you love, instead of necessarily "loving" every minute of being a mother. And for what it's worth, you're never by yourself again in that way that you think about your child at some point. Those thoughts never crossed my mind before I had a kid.

The next chapter? Is there such a thing? Or are we fretting over something that we can't control and the unpredictability is what's driving us crazy? I don't know if it's self-imposed or societally driven, or something else entirely, but here is where I sit with it today. The next chapter feels like a race I'm running every minute of my life. I have a drink at night to toast that I survived yet another day as a mother and hopefully did one thing that retained some resemblance of the me before baby. I try not to beat myself up if the house is kind of trashed or the kitchen floor needs to be swept and I just don't want to do it. And man, if I get all that done and I sneak in a chance to read a book, my lord, it's a banner day! I'm curious to hear more from other moms out there on it.

On another note, I had a child-free afternoon today and comedically found myself eating lunch at a park with a big playground watching kids. I saw a woman with young triplets and I thought, "My god, how do you do 3?!?" I also saw a beautiful butterfly land a few times on the sidewalk and it made me smile as I thought how I would point it out to Riley if she were there with me. Like I said, you're never truly alone again...

Waning posts and bluegrass hosts

If you've been wondering why this blog hasn't been as active, I can explain it with the title above and my experience over the years. While I think I'm known more as a songwriter, I've actually been a "writer" (not of song) for as long as I've been able to write. An avid journal keeper, I've also dabbled in poetry, fiction, journalism and yes, songwriting. BUT - and here is the problem - I rarely do more than one type actively at a time.

For example, when I'm busy with the blog, I'm usually not writing music. I went through a similar period right out of college when I was writing a novella and didn't write more than one song in a year. I was so busy trying to map out the narrative strings and flesh out my characters, I couldn't bother with playing my guitar, let alone write a tune.

I find myself in another creative flush with music, so the blog posts have become less frequent and less thoughtful, in my humble opinion. I'm thrilled to be writing even if it's in the quiet of my home studio until I let the music out for folks to hear.

What else can I say? I saw an unexpectedly great show last night at UCLA's Royce Hall--Ricky Skaggs with Bruce Hornsby and Kentucky Thunder. I say unexpectedly because quite frankly, I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm a bluegrass admirer from afar, like the kind who enjoys bluegrass brunches with pancakes at Burning Man, but I don't know the history, the artists, the recent albums, etc.

And all I knew of Bruce Hornsby was "That's Just the Way It Is" (which they did a rip roaring bluegrass version of last night) and that he toured with the Dead (which I learned from my handsome husband who used to go to Dead shows while in college at Boulder). But I have to say, Hornsby is a great pianist, and I greatly appreciate his sense of "out". He did a lot of 12 tone wandering on the keys, which helped to make the evening a bit more complex musically. I appreciated that immensely because I get bored when the songs sound the same after about 30 minutes. He was also a nice sarcastic foil to Skagg's mostly sincere delivery.

So we had a great night of music with friends, and then paid a babysitter more than the cost of the tickets. And they wonder why date nights are so infrequent in new parents... Find me a competent and available sitter who doesn't charge at least $16 bucks an hour and you'll see Brad and I out a bit more often. But until we're there, we'll be hanging at a pumpkin patch with other parents of R's play group mates and retiring to our couch with a few nice drinks before crashing.

Welcome to the 2nd year...

Things go by quickly these days...by leaps and bounds

Riley is growing up, by leaps and bounds, daily. She is so not a baby anymore. She is squarely a little toddler. She talks an assortment of words, mostly animal sounds, and at this point, can open her bedroom door knob by herself. The latter has made bedtime routine fairly difficult, esp. when after bath,  the naked baby can break loose of her bedroom and run free around the house until this mamma chases her down to get her PJs on and off to bed.

She's also begun enjoying the Tickle Game. I'm a big fan of tickling, but I know some folks (like my husband) are not, so I try to do so with reserve. Riley never seemed ticklish before, but now she plays a couple games with us. The first is when my husband teases her "I'm gonna git ya..." and makes the tickle hand gestures. R has such a great reaction. Her eyes widen. She turns on a dime and runs away full throttle, usually toward me, the "base" in this tag game. She will climb onto my shoulders if I let her just to get away from the tickler.

The next evolution of fun tickling is in the fact that she also knows and does the sign language for "More." So, we'll start down the tickling avenue for fun and then I will stop. R immediately signs for "more." So we do it again. Stop. "More." It's a really cute interaction.

Another cute thing she does is say the words "Okie dokey", which sound more like "cookie cookie." I'm not even sure what possessed me to ask her to repeat the phrase back to me at one point, but it is now the reigning favorite phrase next to "go-ga" accompanied with a downward facing dog pose or her tongue flick/fishy face for "what does a fish say?"

Her hair is so long too. We used to be able to pin back the bangs with barrette, but now she knows that word too and pulls out all barrettes as I put them in. She holds them and says "barrette." She doesn't even seem to notice she's pulling out her hair. Good thing she has a ton of it.

Each day brings new things she does and another one of those is saying "No." It actually sounds a bit more like a nasaly "nawh." It hasn't become a terrible thing yet, but she is definitely rejecting food or activity suggestions lately.  We make due. She's a lovely little girl, who kisses all her stuffed animals and squeals with delight when I get back from a few errands. She makes me feel loved by signing "I love you" or blowing me kisses.

Something turned when she became this toddler who interacts with me more. Sometimes I find myself just watching her talk to herself or figure out how to turn the lid on a water bottle by herself. It thrills me that she's doing this all for the first time. I watched her for 15 minutes moving candles onto the coffeetable and back down to the floor over and over again, like some elaborate game or code she was trying to crack. Maybe all that newness has helped to inspire me to write more, not only this blog, but also music. I've embarked on a couple new collaborations that I hope will lead to a new album. More on this when it has materialized into a fuller concept. I'm happy to have our respective discoveries feed off of each other. I know that's assuming a lot about her, like that I might be feeding her discovery process, but it would be nice to think of our journeys as symbiotic in a way. Who knows... until more stuff is revealed...

Organize! - Ralph Nader Remixed

My good friend and musical collaborator, Art Hays, made this. Good politics, fun and very catchy! Please watch and share!

Blue Man and Spells and Stresses, Oh My!

What a strange few weeks I've been living. A mix of goods and bads, highs and lows and a keen anxious streak throughout... Let's begin with the good. I had the distinct honor and privilege to sing with the Blue Man Group for its two shows at the Hollywood Bowl. As if playing the Bowl weren't great enough, I also was fortunate enough to do so with dear old friends, people I hadn't seen in a few years let alone worked on a creative project with. I've been bandmates with the BMG (Blue Man Group) band over the years. I've also seen a lot of these folks go through big personal changes and blossom from it. I've done similar things. It was such a lovely way to spend time, rehearsals and actual shows, with these wonderful people, doing things I love--music and comic relief--as the newly added "ZuZu singers" ensemble. Yes, there was a bit of "Who better to play a Zuzu singer than Emily Zuzik?!?" But on top of the gargantuan feat of pulling this show off (featured acts, the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra, Blue Men, etc), I met some new amazing artists as well. My fellow female Zuzu, Sara Leib, for instance, who is a consummate hostess and funny Jewish Grandma type, not only sang and mugged her heart out as a Zuzu, but she also performed as a scat Jazz singer in the Bolero skit and brought wine, tequila and champagne for the entire cast on closing night! My Zuzu boys, Kalen Allmandinger and Scott Speiser, were both charming and funny "box mates" as well as being the low end of our vocal quartet. It was a very special show and life experience, one I doubt I'll ever forget.

Then, there was the bad. My daughter began having seizures some weeks ago. Luckily, we picked up on them and were able to get her to her doctor, a pediatric neurologist and appointments for both an EEG and MRI. Happily, the tests all came back normal, and the doctor believes she will grow out of. It's enormously stressful to both see your amazingly smart and precocious little girl having mini seizures for short periods throughout the day, as well as to not know why they're happening and if it's a serious or benign cause. And then there was the fact that most of this went down the week of rehearsals and shows for Blue Man Group. Talk about living in two lives. Opening night I began by holding a crying tired baby attached to 12 electrodes for an EEG and ended it center stage at the Hollywood Bowl singing to nearly 18,000 people. It's a fucking head trip, for sure!

I'm happy to report that in the last week or so that I began this blog that lil Riles has been pretty much reduced to few if not completely seizure free. The doc initially said this kind of stuff often happens to kids who develop faster than average--walking at 10 months, talking words beyond Mama and Papa shortly after a year, getting into everything she can. Like her brain has trouble keeping up with her body and she short circuits. Weird, amazing and definitely not the usual. But I wouldn't want her any other way.

As for me, I've returned to a mostly Mom schedule again. I do miss the full day rehearsals and the adult time, but I have also needed to catch up on the physical and mental stress and exhaustion that came with all the highs and lows. I'm happy to be recording and mixing with Jimmy LaValle of The Album Leaf tomorrow for this ProSeed Books project, and based on how this song comes together, I'm inspired to make another ep of trip-hop/downtempo music soon. In the meantime, I'm napping when the baby naps and trying to fit in a yoga class once a week. I'm feeling really good about being Riley's mother and giving myself time to figure out the rest of it.

This was a fun interview I did with fellow Zuzu Singer, Sara Leib, for her show, SingingTV. Ep. 78 Green Room Interview

You know what's really annoying?...

I can have a great day. A really nice, mellow day with the girl. We didn't do much but play group, but at home, we attacked beds, snuggled pillows, read books, rode in her "car car" around the back yard and even got in the swing once. All sounds misty and Lifetime Channel, right?!?

Well, I'm annoyed by two things that sadly, dictated my current "I need a drink" state. The first is my daughter's obsession with pools. She loves water and swimming as she sees it. We hit a wading pool in play group today. My daughter basically needs a leash. One second not "on" her and she's running toward the pools repeating the word "pool, pool, pool". I drop everything and take off after her. She has a way of always finding the danger in a situation and going for it. I love it about her as a friend, but as a mom, not always so much.

So, other than one instance early on where she either tripped or decided to drink the water and subsequently submerged herself (don't worry, EMT Mom yanked her out and then calmed the following crying from the yank scare), she just wanted to be in the water all the time in Glendale's midday 90+ heat and direct sunlight. Not cool! Then it was the playground. Then the pool. Then approaching elder strangers in powered wheelchairs repeating "car car car." As hard as I try, I want the baby to understand logic, or at least, sit still for maybe 5 minutes. That actually did happen a little later on under a shady tree with the help of baby whisperer Bess Fanning.

Onto more pool drama. So, we live in a house that is surrounded by neighbors with pools. I should add that I've not seen more than one or two actual usages of said pools in over a year. So, baby R is running from one side of the yard to the other yelling "pool, pool, pool". She wants to see them. I will show her them and then I feel badly. I remember being the kid in a neighborhood of pools, wanting to swim in them and not understanding that you needed to be invited to swim. She doesn't get it. Neither did I. It makes me feel sad for her and also annoyed that I'm fighting with my nearly 15 month old whose desperately trying to scale a fence, scream with frustration, or arch her back while thrashing as I take her back into the house.

So, point one, pools. Next up is the brushing of the teeth. Jesus Christ, why did I have to read that dental care is paramount in kids? I mean, seriously, my daughter doesn't sit still before naps or bedtime. She gets cracked out and runs around avoiding anything after the bath. I have to close the door so she doesn't hightail it out of her room. Still, she runs away from me with each thing I try to do--hair combing, PJs, picking out books. 

The toothbrush though is the WORST! I understand that she may not like something invading her space, but I'm not breaking her gums with force. She fights. More back arching and screaming. Tears and aggression. Quickly trying to get off the bed to the floor where more running around can continue. I'm trying to sing her into a calmer state while doing the obligatory brushing and then either hand it over to her,  "Now you brush your teeth," or defer to binky, books and lights out.

Even when you get to the point of walking out of the room, which feels like a reprieve, if she cries and screams as you're doing this, it feels like nails on chalk board. I'm done, lady. I don't have more to give to this crazy behavior. In fact, I kind of need to get out of there before I blow my top.

So those two things really annoy me. I'd love feedback from other moms or dads who've had these scenarios. I get guilted into thinking I'm a shitty mom from all the progressive parenting verbiage out there. I'm doing my best, and I love that girl to the ends of the earth. Maybe that's the most annoying part, that I am trying to do my absolute best and not repeat crap I dealt with growing up and yet I feel like I never get ahead, like my inner annoyance or rage pops up at very inopportune times.

[Ed. Note: Annoyance with pools has been tapered. Toothbrushing, not so much, since the original writing of this post]